So I got up to pee the other night (don’t worry this won’t get creepy) and I had a problem: I could not locate the bathroom.
This was a surprise. I’ve done this a thousand times – sometimes in the same night (okay, I may have lied earlier). And since my wife, Linda, is a very light sleeper, we keep the room nearly pitch black.
Still, I can literally find my way blindfolded: stand up, take a left at the foot of the bed, two steps and take a right, walk past the closet … arrival.
But on this night, I got lost. I bumped into the wall and quickly got turned around.
And for the next 90 minutes (well, maybe it was just five), no matter how much I tried to reorient myself, I couldn’t figure out where things were. Granted, I’d had a couple of beers earlier, but still.
Finally, just as I was considering finding my way back into bed to start the process again, I bumped into an open suitcase on the floor.
Which is when I realized: I was not in my bedroom – I was not even in my house. We were in an Airbnb in Atlanta, visiting our son Evan.
Right Map, Wrong Terrain
Regardless of its accuracy, a map is of no use when applied to the wrong location.
[Hey kids, a “map” is a big piece of paper with lines and markings that helps you … never mind.]
In fact, when you believe you have the right map for a given situation – and you don’t – it’s worse than useless. It continually sends you off in the wrong direction as you try to follow it.
As it turns out, inappropriate mapping is not just a late night peeing phenomenon (okay, that’s the last I’ll mention it).
It’s also what happens when people like us – small professional service firms and independents – try to apply “big company” marketing to our own situations.
It’s not that “the map” is wrong in general … it’s just wrong for us. There is not enough overlap between their businesses and ours to make it work.
Two mistakes in that regard worth avoiding…
#1. Logos and Taglines
You remember which credit card asks, “What’s in your wallet?”
You can draw the “Golden Arches” from memory.
You know which newspaper says, “Democracy dies in darkness.” (Hey, I never said these things last forever.)
No doubt about it, those mental connections are useful.
But those organizations spend a ton of money, year after year, making sure we notice and remember them. We are exposed to them constantly, whether we like it or not.
You and I don’t do any of that. Our advertising budget – if we even have one – is tiny.
So while it’s fine to come up with these things for your business, don’t spend a lot of money and don’t spend a lot of time.
And for the sake of your relationship, please don’t burden your long-suffering spouse by asking for the 100th time what he or she thinks. Nobody but you will ever notice or remember. Pick something you like and move on.
#2. Plain Vanilla
According to the International Dairy Foods Association (I never miss a meeting), vanilla is the most popular ice cream flavor in the United States.
At first, that seems a little surprising; it’s not a flavor people tend to rave about. But … it is a flavor few people hate.
If you’re going to have a party and can only choose one flavor of ice cream for everyone, your safest bet is vanilla.
That’s how big companies think and behave.
Back when I worked with huge clients (before coming to my senses), my biggest frustration was their inbred unwillingness to ever say anything, in any way, that could be seen as controversial. I distinctly remember a drawn out discussion in a six-person meeting about whether or not the word hilarious was too “unprofessional” to appear in the company newsletter.
That was an extreme example, but it’s an understandable orientation.
If the success of your product or service requires reaching a broad, worldwide audience, you can’t afford to be hated by many (Nickelback being the exception that proves the rule).
That’s not us. We don’t need thousands (or probably even hundreds) of clients. We need a teeny tiny fraction of planet Earth to notice us, like us, and hire us.
So unlike Coca Cola or Walmart or FedEx, who do their best to stay below the controversy radar, our marketing enemy is plain vanilla.
And while I’m not suggesting you go crazy in the things you say or the way you say them, the further to the edge you can be the better. That’s how you stand out; that’s how you get remembered.
Here’s the bottom line.
There are things big companies do that are worth learning from and copying. But for the most part, marketing is not one of them.
They are a different species operating in a different galaxy.
Enjoy your ice cream.
Hey Mike, glad to see you’re following the national ice cream trends. And I’m delighted to see the top 3 flavours of ice cream in 2024 once again line up with my three ice cream flavours for white papers: vanilla, chocolate, and strawberry. As you know, the top 2 flavours are always the same, but #3 sometimes veers away from the summertime classic. But in these troubled times, it’s good to know we can still count on a few things to remain stedfast. Cheerio, and welcome to the official start of ice cream season in Canada: June 1.
Between you and me, I don’t think strawberry deserves a spot on the podium. It’s like saying the top three bands of all time – Beatles, Rolling Stones, Carpenters. I think it’s a holdover from the old time days when there were probably only five flavors on earth, the other two being pomegranite and hog. Anyway, happy start to the summer season to us all!
Hey! What’s that about the Carpenters? My favorite playlist … and Karen Carpenter had the voice of an angel. I do have the Beatles on one of my playlists as well. Not one Rolling Stone song. Hah!
Anyway, I liked your story. That same disoriented thing has happened to me before, too. I’m glad you found the restroom, and hopefully, your wife didn’t lose any sleep.
Haha, agreed, Karen Carpenter was talented. By Carpenters in third place?!
Vanilla? Really?! Lord have mercy. That’s all I’ll say about this matter.
Apparently, plain bagels are also the most popular option!
Had Talenti Chocolate Chocolate Chip yesterday and loved it. But I’m also partial to French Silk, butter pecan, and really well made vanilla. Who can pick only one favorite?
I never go out of town without a paper map. Last used one on 3/31/25. I’m retro. My smartphone is old and lacks capacity for many apps, so no Google Maps on it.
“Need words? I have extra.” is my business tagline (I’m a freelance writer). Does it get me new clients? Probably not, but I’ve gotten a few laughs.
I love that tagline, it’s hilarious!
Paper map kudos to you!!
My favorite ice cream flavor I have to say is Coffee.
I used a paper map in 2007 finding streets in the neighborhood.
My tagged line is “helping believers stay strong in the lord Daily with encouraging testimonies, scriptures, etc.
I am a coffee ice cream fan as well. It deserves more attention.
1) Vanilla, if urgently asked; Mint Chocolate Chip, if summer. Espresso Chip, if (rarely these days) I’m in my local ice cream parlor.
2) I usually leave the paper map option to my wife, who’s quicker than I am, and who last resorted to it when our British-voiced directions-provider led us to a dead end in the middle of nowhere.
3) Sad to say, no business yet, so no tag line. Planning, though, to make friends with the real estate companies who are still subscribing to my monthly blog. (Nearly all are!) 🙂
I appreciate a man with very specific ice cream preferences.
Favorite Ice cream flavor, butterbrickle.
Last time I used a paper map was a year ago when my phone service was interrupted in the middle of a trip.
tag line: Your reliable sidekick
Love that tagline!
1) My favourite flavor of ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough… but mostly just because I love the cookie dough!
2) I LOVE paper maps! I’m obsessed with UK Ordnance Survey maps in particular and I have a nice collection underway. I also love historic maps, and I’ve bought a few from a UK company that reprints historic maps for geeks like me.
3) “Stronger Teams. Smarter Decisions. Safer Skies.”
So the qustion is, do you love cookie dough or maps more?